One Final Post then it is Lights Out on Gamecock in Namibia.

It is common knowledge that I am in the United States and you all know I was medically separated from the Peace Corps after 16 months. If you are interested in exactly why my service came to an abrupt end, read on.

I was medically separated from the Peace Corps because I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The original trauma happened 14 years ago. I am a survivor of a sexual assault that resulted in a pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. The miscarriage was something my friends and family were aware of but I did not share the circumstances leading to my pregnancy with anyone until two years ago. The flood of emotions associated with speaking openly about the assault (and other disappointments attributed to my reactions to that trauma) were staggering. I eventually sought counseling at a rape crisis center. I was fortunate to meet other survivors and began to feel a real sense of normalcy. About that time, I applied to join the Peace Corps. I discussed this option with my therapist at length. We both felt certain it would be a positive experience and I was emotionally prepared for what might occur in my two years abroad.

Weeks into my service, I watched two different dogs get tied up with wire and beaten to near death. It all happened within a 24-hour period. I intervened in the beatings before either was killed, but witnessing such an event triggered some deep-rooted issues in me. I stopped sleeping. I was experiencing vivid nightmares and anxiety attacks. It did not disturb my work. In fact, my work was a coping mechanism for me. I struggled at night alone. I struggled on the weekends alone. My symptoms of fear persisted and worsened, which led me to seek counsel with the Peace Corps. The medical staff was more than accommodating and sent me to sessions with a therapist in May of last year.

I attended the sessions and returned to my village feeling rejuvenated. Yet, I continued to experience ups and downs. My anxiety and fear did not ease. The attacks of panic and anxiety were becoming more acute, the fear more intense. It started to creep into my physical health. I began to worry it might start to effect my work. I began to worry I would never recover. I had to make a choice.

I walked in to the Peace Corps Medical Office on a Monday morning in February knowing full well when I explained my situation I might not be offered a solution that would keep me in Namibia. That would keep me in Lusese. Peace Corps policy states a volunteer is offered three therapy sessions and if not “cured” in that time frame the volunteer is sent home for further counseling. I knew they might do nothing more than put me on the next plane to the Red, White and Blue. I was hoping they might have another option. I was hoping I could stay. I could not. There was no option for me other than to return home and take care of myself. However, I am considered a RPCV in the eyes of the Peace Corps. I left in good standing. I can join again after a year. And it was the right thing for me to return home. I have no regrets.

So, here I am. Home. Taking care of myself. I want to thank everyone for being part of my Peace Corps service. I enjoyed writing about my experience and I hope you all gained something from it too. Thank you for listening to my story. I am doing well and am actively working to untangle what is tangled.

On a lighter note, I just returned from a 10-day Wilderness First Responder Course (you can check out photos from my class in Cullowhee, NC below) and will be heading to Virginia to work for Adventure Links in about three weeks. I am gainfully employed and headed to the woods to live in a tent and take kids on outdoor adventures all summer long. The journey continues…

Wilderness First Responder Course

A look at Lusese from the eyes of Lusese...

I just developed some pictures taken by a learner at Lusese Combined School. He took care of Mulotu, my dog, while I was away over the December break. As a thank you, I gave him a disposable camera and told him to take pictures of whatever he wanted. The following photo essay is from him. I plan to mail him the copies.

Lusese through Ntanda's lens

She is sorta here but not really.

Hello my friends. I hope you are all doing well. After spending over 20 hours on a plane and countless more waiting in airports, I am back. Physically, that is. I am going through the motions of a daily routine: Pooping in a flush toilet that is mere seconds from where I sleep. Turning on a light. Turning off a light. Turning on a faucet. Turning off a faucet. Experiencing hot water on a daily basis. High-speed Internet. Cars. Traffic. Lines of people. Noise. Reaching for items at the grocery store I used to crave. I could go on and on, but you get the picture. Adjusting is hard. And, right now, living happily in the moment is a tough one because I left so much of myself at home in Namibia. In Lusese.

However, I wanted everyone to know I did safely return to the United States. I am on the hunt for a job so I can save money for my next big adventure abroad, which is yet to be determined. I have an American phone number now, so if you wish to call or sms (text message) me you may do so. Just email me and I can give you my number.

I will be in touch. There might be less writing for a bit, but I will try to have some insight for everyone on what 15 months away from America can mean to an American. Below is a front and back shot of the t-shirt made for me by my Namibian counterparts who signed the back of the shirt.

Farewell Namibia...

In a few short days, I will be boarding a plane back to America. Due to medical issues that cannot be treated in Namibia, I am being medically separated from the Peace Corps. (And don't worry, I am going to be just fine, physically.) I realize this is a tremendous shock. It is for me. But, it is what I must do and life moves on and its important to adjust. In the meantime, I am trying to soak in the last week with the people who have become my family over the past 15 months. I will write more about my final days here when I have had some time to reflect.

All the best from Namibia, my home.

A picture days before I departed the U.S.

A picture from my last day in Lusese.

The Namibian Holiday (part deaux)

Swakop to Etosha

African Antics caught on tape...

The Namibian Holiday (part one)

Hello America! Click the link below to check out the first week of Warren/Chris visit Tina...

The Boys in Namibia

A Video of our adventures...

Cultivating Patience on the Toilet, Genuine Laughter and Pythons...

People in Africa laugh. And do so with sincerity I have rarely seen. For example, Thursday, I went to the “sports field” or “the only spot where maize in not planted” to witness track practice. Kids ran barefoot in skirts and pants and dress shirts. The hurdles were two sticks in the ground with plastic string between them. Nobody knew how to jump them anyway. Kids held out vines to indicate a finish line. Kids laughed. Adults laughed. The sorta laugh that emerges from the soul. Sheer bliss. It is how it should be at sports event from time to time.

As a kid, I remember having a little jar to collect whatever insects inhabited the yard. I placed dirt and grass in it and poked holes at the top so the critters could breathe. The other day, I had an epiphany. I was inspecting the toilet for large spiders when it occurred to me that using a latrine during the rainy season is a little like taking a dump in an insect jar. The latrine has holes at the top, grass and dirt on the floor and every sort of flying, creepy crawling insect imaginable is housed within. Bugs fall on me. Fly into my face. Crawl across my feet. Sitting on the can is a fantastic place to cultivate patience. I owe any personal growth to the fact I used a pit latrine for two years.

Lusese was hit with a snake frenzy days before my return from Holiday. The highlight of which was the Python discovered in the wash area of a teacher’s hut. The snake was smothering its dinner, which on this day was a small dog. My neighbors walked in on the snake mid-squeeze. It promptly dropped the dog and made a hasty escape. Brave souls took chase and shot the snake in a field. I saw pictures and it goes without saying that anything that can devour a dog is large, impressively large.

I am teaching a Life Skills class. A learner asked me to teach him how to get a girlfriend. This is not my area of expertise. Wish me luck, or perhaps you should wish him luck;)

Warren and Chris arrive in a few days. I should have pictures of our Namibian adventures to share with you soon.

I miss you.

Help Me Help Them!

This year I have been asked to teach Life Skills to Grade 9 and 10. I am hoping to integrate the following program into this course. It is called Hero books and it has been used widely throughout South Africa. It is meant to empower individual children and families as well as entire communities. A Hero Book is a document, and a process, in which a child is invited to be the author, illustrator, main character, and editor of a book that is designed to help them set goals, and give them power over a specific challenge or obstacle in their life. At the end of the process each person has a hand-bound storybook of their own making which is a kind of solution focused mission statement but also documents, heralds, and reinforces their problem busting strategies and hero-survival-resilient abilities. The first draft of a Hero Book is made purely as part of a confidential therapeutic process and is explained to the participant as such. Participants are however offered the opportunity to think about “publishing” their Hero Book by hand-making or photocopying second editions. If you want to read more about Hero Books, check out the website: www.repssi.org then click on the Hero Book link on the left side.

I am hoping you might be willing to send much needed supplies so the children may be able to create a book. I appreciate all the personal things I have been getting, but I would love for you to consider sending items from this list instead. Email me with any questions.

Copier Paper
Lined Paper
Construction Paper (colors)
Pens
Pencils
Sharpeners
Markers
Colored Pencils
Glue
Packing Tape
Paint
Paint Brushes
Nails
Hammer
Paperclips
String/Yarn
Sewing Needles

A Holiday Photo Essay

Instead of boring you with paragraph after paragraph, I have handpicked the finest photo representations of my holiday. I limited my descriptions to just a few short sentences. I do hope your holiday was all you wanted it to be and then some. Happy 2009 America! I hope the year is fantastic and I hope to see you before its over. Just click on the picture below to go to my photo essay.

Opwuo to Cape Town 2008

More Pictures...

Me and Ed...

My garden...

Elephant footprint...

Baby Elephant footprint...

Elephant Shit Storm...

Mulotu (another wild animal)...

Mi Casa (or "The White House" as my principal calls it)...

Guava Trees, Snickers, Cheese Bread and more...

A Shirt.
A trend among learners here is to write on their uniform shirts. Here is what one learner scribbled on the front pocket of her nice white shirt:
Name: Lindah
Grade: Grade 7
School: Lusese Combined
Subject: Shirt

A Tree.
I planted two Guava trees in my yard, which was a feat in itself. I spent the better part of two weekends gathering sticks in the bush and creating a fence around each tree to keep out dogs. I am proud of my work. I am fond of working with the Earth. Planting things. Watering. Watching things grow. My garden is not turning out as I had hoped. It has lots of weeds sprouting and little else, which is why I put the trees in. I plan on getting flowers to plant around the trees.

A Moment.
The American Presidential Election was a big deal for the people of my village. I have always known the world watched American politics closely, but this was the first time I have seen it firsthand. I was touched by the reaction of my coworkers and my learners after Obama won. I was hugged. Learners cheered. It seemed to touch something in them. They felt a connection because of Obama’s roots in Africa. They felt it could be good for Africa. And regardless of ones political leanings, one can’t argue it was a significant moment in time and even those living in a tiny village in Africa with nothing but a cell tower can sense the importance of the moment. I am sure all of you can too.

A Birthday.
On my birthday, I ate a snickers bar that my village mate brought back for me from her trip to Botswana. My learners made me spectacular cards and I got lots of love from back home and from my NamFam (Namibian Family). Overall, it was a nice way to start pushing 40. Yeah, you read right. I am pushing 40.

A Sorta Thanksgiving
My Thanksgiving might not have included turkey and mac-n-cheese but it did have lots of thanks. I ate some fresh cheese bread from a grocery store in my shopping town and thought about how much I am thankful for in my life. hApPy ThAnKsGiViNg!!

A Farewell.
The last three weeks of school consisted of no teaching. The learners were writing exams and I was busy marking the exams. Today was the final day for kids. And now it is time for a break from Lusese. I am headed to Opuwo, which is in the Kunene Region of Namibia (northwest corner) at the end of next week. It is home to Ed, my boyfriend for the past few months. He is a fellow Peace Corps volunteer who works with the Namibia Red Cross. He is originally from Wisconsin, which means he talks funny and likes to hunt. I am going to be at his site for two weeks and then we are traveling to Cape Town for Christmas and New Years. We have a wine tour planned for Christmas Eve and we are diving with Great White Sharks on New Years Day. Stay tuned for pictures and stories from our trip. And if you don’t hear from us, it means we are shark food.

Be Here Now.

October 31st marks one year in Africa. One year. I tried to think of something deep and meaningful to write. Something that illuminates the perspective I have attained; something to inspire America to go out and join the Peace Corps. However, all I can say is I am equally happy it has been a year as I am sad I only have a year remaining. So, I move forward knowing I am in the midst of a grand experience that will come to and end before I know it, which is even more of a reason for me to live in the present.

Random observations:

I saw a small girl wearing a bra as her top. The bra was countless sizes too big and was actually draped off one shoulder. Fascinating fashion choice.

I have been riding bikes more than running in recent weeks because my foot is sending me messages that tell me to stop pounding her on the ground repeatedly. It’s an understandable request and I am forced to listen because the pain is excruciating.

A young lady was hoisting a large bag of maize on her head and Ashley, my fellow volunteer in Lusese, was standing next to me admiring the tone and definition of the girl’s arms. In that instant Ashley decided, “I need to start carrying more things on my head.”

World Teacher Day
The month of October opened with a much-appreciated day off thanks to the celebration of World Teacher Day. I participated in a march to the town hall in Katima where there were speakers and cultural dancing and a live band. It was the ultimate party. My principal was instrumental in organizing this event. I got to accompany him earlier in the week to the flood plains to buy cattle to feed to all the teachers. The cow was slaughtered not far from my home. I watched learners cut and clean the cow then chuck it in to the back of a bakkie. This did not make me want to stop eating dead cow. Just made me glad I was not a cow, or at least not this particular cow. Apologies to my vegetarian friends.

Traditional Dance Lesson
Each Wednesday during afternoon studies the grade eight participates in a class taught by local elders. It’s a traditional dance class. The women perform dances passed through generations. Many of my coworkers here are not familiar with these dances, but recognize the need to keep their traditional culture alive. I witnessed this class and was touched by the energy and rich history that was palpable as the women shared their knowledge with the younger generation. And, of course, they included me at the end of the session. I attempted to perform a dance. It was embarrassing. However, we all know that a surefire way to completely experience another culture is to never be afraid to act like a fool. And that is precisely what I did.

Arbor Day
Lusese Combined School got numerous trees to plant for Arbor Day free of charge from the Ministry of Agriculture, Water and Forestry. I happen to be standing under a tree on this day when a tremendous spider crawled up my leg and rested on my skirt until I was informed of its presence. My reaction? I batted it off like it was a fly. Quite a departure from how I might have reacted to a spider that size 12 months ago. I am very proud of my behavior. However, the lesson I learned this Arbor Day was to never stand under that dreadful spider tree ever again.

World Food Day
Lusese Combined School, which is where I teach, was picked to host the Region’s celebration of World Food Day. Oddly enough, I had little to eat or drink on this day. I did, however, organize a play with some learners about the right and wrong ways to burn a field. A mundane topic for sure, but crucial for this area and the kids embraced it and made it quite humorous and informative. They performed in English and Silozi for an esteemed crowed including the Governor of the Caprivi Region, a local tribal king and NBC (Namibian television). There were also many cultural dance groups performing. I have started to get a real taste of the traditional culture here. The one that existed before Christianity became the mainstay in Namibia, the one that was born here and is the true essence of Caprivian culture to me. It is something you must experience. Speaking of unique experiences, I did have to get down on my knees when the King arrived and departed the celebration. Interesting.

The Video...

I want to thank Warren for how quickly he put this up. The video below respresents the way my learners wanted to thank all of you for sending packages filled with goodies for them...and for me. I will make another video later featuring yours truly, but dont expect it to inlcude any singing or dancing. All the best to all of you.

She is dreadfully hot but endlessly thankful.

The Thanks!
I was experiencing a bad day a few weeks ago. I have written about bad days before on this Blog and this particular day was ripe with frustration, impatience and, yes, even some tears. I happen to be in my shopping town on this abysmal afternoon, which was both a curse and a blessing. A curse because there are ten times the people there as are in my village. Translation? That many more Namibians got to witness a Peace Corps Volunteer meltdown. A blessing? I checked my mail. On this day, I got packages from Peggy and Sandy. Amazing packages filled with the best a hungry, smelly, needy Peace Corps Volunteer could hope for. The overwhelming kindness was a reminder how much it means to me to receive help from home. A package from home has come to be a metaphorical umbilical cord, power line, blood vessel or simple breath of oxygen. I swear those brown boxes are filled with life. It reminds me I can do this work here because people back home are supporting me. You are the reason I can remain and can have a positive impact. Whether you send school supplies or personal gifts it all keeps me going. Ni itumezi. Na itumela. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You. I just recently sent Warren a video of the learners showing their appreciation for all the supplies. As soon as it arrives in Colorado and he figures out how to upload it to my Blog you will be able to see it. I will keep you notified.

The Garden
I have planted a garden with the seeds sent to me from home. Again, the seeds were another blessing from various packages. I have been watering it faithfully and have started to see growth. Stand by to see if I successfully maintain a garden. I hope to eat an actual salad before Christmas.

The Fire Pit
I made a fire pit. I burn trash in it now, which is a common occurrence here. I plan to make it in to a place to cook meat outside. Yummy.

The Heat
It’s back. There is no easing in to the oppressive heat of summer. Someone simply flipped a switch and I started to sweat. It’s obnoxious. Insufferable. Foul. Vile. You get the picture.

The Ballot.
I want to thank Warren for tracking down any possible way for me to get my ballot. It was his enthusiasm that reminded me I had an obligation to make my voice heard. Even from another Continent. I was finally able to vote with a write-in absentee ballot. The act of choosing my American President from my sweaty chair in the sauna that is my office was, well, so cool. I felt a sense of pride and connectedness to America that I never had before. I liked that feeling. And I remind all those who read this to vote.

The latest greatest line from a learner…
Question from me: Define the term Chicken Pox?
Answer from learner: A type of food.

The Gamecocks
What is wrong with them? I dont expect a response. We are all busy people and don't have the time to list every problem faced by the University of South Carolina Football Team.

Is stealing always wrong?

Toilet paper, markers, puppies, pens, pencils, erasures, glue, magazines, matches, books, chapstick, candles, batteries, scissors, shampoo, stickers, camera, ipod speaker. This is a short list of some stuff that has been stolen from me in the past month and a half. It started innocently enough with people going through my trash. Stealing whatever they found of interest. Then it developed to crawling through the window of the library. And in the past two weeks it has morphed into going in my hut. I am not sure what to do about the incessant stealing but it has brought up some interesting issues for me. One point of view is these kids are poor and stealing a pencil or even my camera is simply a way to provide for themselves or their families, a type of Robin Hood, perhaps. Another point of view is that stealing, no matter the circumstance, is wrong and if we don’t make a stand now these kids will grow up learning to take things rather than learning to work for what they need. I am not sure where I fall with this but I am bummed it is happening. Not as much for the loss of material things but for the loss of trust and respect. Oh well. I am sure this issue will work itself out. In the meantime, I am not going to give up. The final term has begun and I am committed to do my best despite the stealing. Best wishes to all my teacher friends who have gone back to work. Have a great school year! My roller coaster ride continues. Hopefully with more ups than downs.

Happy Belated Birthday Mom!

The faces of Lusese...

I snapped off these before my camera was stolen. The first two are the new pup, Mulotu and the mound of puppies are the ones born in my shower area. The rest of the photos are of kids in the village.

We interrupt this regularly scheduled run to bring you the largest living land animal…

I was about a mile in to my Friday afternoon run when I turned my head to discover an ample-sized rear end in the trees. The impressive backside belonged to the equally impressive elephant munching on leaves. I stopped dead and scanned the bush. There were many elephant. I slowly backed up a bit and sat to watch and listen. After a few moments, I heard one make what best can be described as a growling noise, which I decided was my cue to head back to the village. However, I informed Ashley, my site mate, of my interesting find. We walked back up the road and enjoyed about an hour of close-up elephant viewing. The grand finale came when the elephant emerged from the woods to cross the road on their way to the river. There were well over 40 elephant. It was relatively quiet besides the occasional trumpet or rustling of the trees. For such a massive animal, some of which where the length of the road they crossed, they made little noise. It was nearly impossible to hear them lumber through the bush and equally as impossible to see in the trees.

Since the massive herd sighting, I have seen and heard elephant within earshot of my hut as well as several sightings of the large herd that makes its daily trek through my village on its way to water. I will often step out at night to take a pee and hear the sound of the elephant hitting the trees so coconuts will fall for them to eat. I have noticed plenty of elephant dung on my runs. Needless to say, I have adjusted my run to protect myself from any unpleasant elephant encounter, but I recognize that no matter the time of day I have a fair chance of coming across the largest living land animal on the planet. I move on with life with a sense of excitement tempered with caution.

It’s another “this is why I am here” moments:
I am days away from escorting two of my learners to Windhoek so that they could attend this year’s Diversity Tour. The rewards of teaching come in moments such as these. Witnessing two young kids step outside their comfort zone and expand their circle of understanding about the world. This will be the first time either will spend time with anyone who is of another tribe or ethnic group, the first time they see a movie in a movie theater, the first time they see Etosha National Park, the first time they have ever left the region in which they live to explore their amazing country. It’s bound to make a difference. Thank you Warren and Chris for helping to make that experience possible for them.

A final thought as I surpass nine months in Africa..
The past two months have been the most difficult stretch of my service so far. The list of things not working right is alarming. Here is the fast food, microwavable, high-speed, fast lane version:

• I feel a bit disconnected from my African community and my American one. It has lead to a tremendous sense of loneliness.
• My headphones died.
• I had no candles for two months. I used my cell phone for light.
• I had either lentils and rice or oatmeal for nearly every meal for two months.
• I lost my favorite hat.
• My camera was stolen.
• A dog gave birth to eight puppies in my shower area.
• I have not had the amount of Internet access I have grown accustomed to. I realize this is a ridiculous complaint, but I am not ashamed. Internet keeps me connected with all the people I love.

Despite my list, I am doing just fine. I still feel blessed to have this opportunity. And I would not change a moment of it for all the free Internet in the world.

Happy July 4th, America...you dog-loving, trouser-wearing, tv-watching runners.

As a tribute to American Independence, I required my students to answer the following writing prompt: What do you think its like to live in America? Here are some of the more memorable responses:

• They like too much dog.
• They have long hairs.
• In America, you cannot find a person wearing a skirt.
• American people do not know how to steal.
• Elephants like to live in America.
• People from America all have white skin.
• People from America always wear jeans.
• They love wearing trousers.
• They don’t want to see someone who is crying.
• They are having a tattoo.
• I think they are quite good because they respect blacks.
• I think in America there are many criminals like 50 cent.
• Dogs like to live there.
• American people like eating food and watching TV.
• They like running to train the self.
• Americans are like dogs.
• Americans cannot build houses with grass.
• They cannot drink beer like Africans.

Things I have said to myself or someone else that I never imagined I would say:

• There is a dead ant in my loofah.
• I hope Kate Moss does not have puppies in my shower.
• I am just going to flick these ants out of my bowl and then it will be clean enough to eat out of.
• I love Facebook.
• This Paris Hilton song is really good.
• The water is much less brown this week.
• I am craving a salad.
• My house is filling with water.
• It’s too quiet.
• My shampoo is dirty.
• I can’t wait to ride in a car for 15 hours so I can print.
• I am going to wear this outfit all week.
• Never mind the stains, it smells clean therefore it is clean.
• I am not going to care about the dozen flies on my body right now.
• Today’s lesson is on how to say the Lords Prayer in English.
• Let’s bow our heads and pray.
• I dropped my soap in the dirt, picked it up and finished bathing.
• I am sorry someone stole your chicken.
• Can I go to the witchdoctor?
• He has over 100 ticks.
• Did you just take that worm out of his tail?
• If I leave this pot in the refrigerator I won’t need to wash it for weeks.
• Yeah, orange matches everything.
• Why are you wearing a ski glove on one hand…in Africa?
• This bike has no brakes and I can’t change gears, but I love this ride.
• Catching rain in a bucket is really cool.
• Keys? What are keys? I kick my door open.